10AM and I am speeding up the Palisades to “the hair place”, coffee in right hand, muscle milk in left... don’t ask how I steer, the last I checked it was a straight road. When did they make it law to drive 45?? Is this new?? Have I officially become a New-Jerseyan?? AHHHH!!! I almost spill my drink(s) as I am cut off by a “Postal Police” minivan... complete with sirens and all. The USPS has their own police? They seem to be in a hurry, perhaps taking some naughty courier to “mailman jail” for... uh... Spamming People, maybe. What exactly is the Postal Police and what exactly do they do??

The cool goo covering my scalp under the clear plastic cap is starting to get itchy... blah... I am sitting through one of the few salon sessions to come (color hair darker, put in extensions, cut, put in more extensions). I despise the process ¹. There is no greater waste of time than waiting for hair color to set (even with a good book or the juiciest celebrity gossip magazine). Today the gods have smiled upon me by granting me mystery wi-fi (only available when laptop is resting on pile of magazines at an approximate 20 degree angle)...

So after not getting any sleep at all, I gave up on trying and headed out... 9AM... there are plenty of ways I can tire myself out and maybe, just maybe fall asleep later (to all who don’t know me... I can’t sleep, and I usually hate taking sleeping pills because then I sleep too much). After spending the morning jogging and tanning/napping, I figured I would do what I always do on Monday afternoon... nails, toes, massage... it makes me feel all girly and pretty.

Really Long Acrylic Nails... I thought these went out of style a decade ago. Ladies... they look like fucking claws, and unless you have impeccable hygiene, you become a walking petri dish for all kinds of things...  plus every time you get your hands dirty, some of the dirt always manages to stay behind, so now you have Tabasco, shampoo, cream cheese from your bagel and some boy’s ejaculate traveling with you as you make you daily rounds.... i’m gonna go vomit now... be right back...

Muffin-tops, camel-toes, beer-bellies, nut-huggers, ass-cleavage and any other example of clothes not fitting properly. If it’s...

i’m tired of hearing this shit
about “beauty is on the inside”... it’s on bumper stickers, they tell
it to children, it’s the mantra of ugly people, and most recently it is
my “homework”... so I looked it up. Here is the relevant definition....