ATTN: geniuses@apple.com

I would like to start out by saying thank you for making an operating system that fucking works (coupled with hardware that is inferior to my vacuum cleaner). Even though most of my complaints deal with the inability of YOUR products to communicate with each other, for convenience, I have arranged my list of complaints by device, starting with my biggest annoyance.

Really Long Acrylic Nails... I thought these went out of style a decade ago. Ladies... they look like fucking claws, and unless you have impeccable hygiene, you become a walking petri dish for all kinds of things...  plus every time you get your hands dirty, some of the dirt always manages to stay behind, so now you have Tabasco, shampoo, cream cheese from your bagel and some boy’s ejaculate traveling with you as you make you daily rounds.... i’m gonna go vomit now... be right back...

Muffin-tops, camel-toes, beer-bellies, nut-huggers, ass-cleavage and any other example of clothes not fitting properly. If it’s...

1.    APPLICATION NIGHTMARE

Sure, life would be plenty more full of ouch without all those awesome topical anesthetics. Toothache? Sore throat? Hemorrhoids? Itching? Burning? There is a creme, jelly, spray or patch just for you! Want to put a coke bottle up your ass? A furby? Your TV remote? There’s a creme, gel and spray to make the experience as painless and carefree as possible. OK, I get that. I even kinda get the “spray this in your throat for a gag-free blowjob”.

Sometimes I can be an asshole insensitive, yea, I know that, and by the time you finish reading this post, you will think that I am... or maybe you will not, I don’t know. I am not easily angered, but nothing pisses me off more than people that have absolutely no consideration for other people’s feelings... especially when it’s my feelings that are not being considered And I’m not talking about an inconvenience or an annoyance...

The New Jersey driver is an interesting species. In fact, very few have a fucking clue of how to drive on less than straight roads in less than perfect conditions. Although many have become familiar with merging techniques, others still insist on stopping on the on-ramp and waiting for the oh-so-kind people on the Turnpike to yield, then get bent out of shape, hyperventilating at the wheel when some 18-wheeler that is towing a house almost runs them over for failing to speed up.

I love gyms. I love the atmosphere, the people, the weights, that feeling you get when you just completed a great workout. But I also hate gyms. The pesky trainers, the guy that likes using my favorite treadmill, the people that just get in the way of your workout running smoothly and of course the membership sales people, the money-hungry big-gyms and the whole “closing early on sunday” thing.... ah... that’s what I will bitch about today [please note that most of this post was written on my iPhone while waiting for a sales person].