reclining in my chair, I’m falling
I’m trying to sit still but my mind is racing.
it’s throwing me off balance, and i’m falling again, so I close my eyes to make it stop...
which doesn’t work as well as I had hoped.
my eyes don’t focus for shit anyway (recent side-effect of god-knows what) so I might as well keep them closed... might as well sit here and stare into the insides of my head, my thoughts doing hula hoops around my brain stem....
my medulla oblongata?
my nucleus cuneatus?
it’s 2300 hours...
23 is my age?
23 is the atomic mass of sodium?
time doesn’t exist right now
Mondays blending into Wednesdays blending into Fridays
before I know it will be over
and I’m missing it before it is gone
i’m manic
and i’m dizzy
so moving poses a physical threat to my already bruised exterior...
in opposition to my wishes, sitting here is all i can do...
sitting here, as if I had just inhaled an eight ball, trying to make things make sense...
up, down, top, bottom, charm, strange
today I thought about moving away, somewhere into the wilderness, into the mountains...
getting a pet hedgehog?
planting petunias?
i think that yesterday for about 15 minutes I actually might have wanted a baby...
a doll?
a baby doll?
the day before i think i wanted to die...
thyrotoxicosis?
thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpua?
the times between i just wanted to finish something i had started...
my first degree?
my second degree?
this site?
the notes i was taking on the wall?
the story i was writing?
wait.... what else am I halfway done with?
anything before that I don’t remember, but I know my living room wall is covered in post-its with chemistry notes from floor to ceiling.
the window needs curtains.
i scare myself
i mentally climb stairs
intervals, level 10
how many of those pills did i take?
how many am i supposed to take?
how come there is no label?
maybe i should take some more...

i’m manic
but if i move...