Boyfriend Vacancy: Apply Within

05.28.08

Fuck Me Like You Hate Me by Seether

Quite cheesy, but I couldn't resist....
APPLICATION: BOYFRIEND 2.0
Please fill out the entire application for consideration.

PART ZERO: PREREQUISITE
Number of times you shower per week:

(if less than 7, discontinue application process immediately and please leave my site)
PART ONE: BASICS
Name

Age

Height

Weight

Location

Tattoos/Piercings

(please describe in detail)
PART 2: NOW
Are you?
(please check all that apply)
arrogant
boring
cuddly
dominant
ecc
fun
gay
goofy
healthy
honest
inconsiderate
insecure
jealous
liar
macho
mature
moral
neat
open
organized
outgoing
religious
republican
respectful
responsible
sensitive
sweet
vegan
witty
PART 3: OCCUPATION
Does your occupation require you to work during the day?
Yes No
Does your occupation require you to work during the night?
Yes No
Does your occupation require you to work weekends?
Yes No
Does your occupation involve a g-string of any kind?
Yes No
Is your occupation legal in all 50 states?

Yes No
PART 4: HABITS
Do you drink?
Yes No
Smoke?
Yes No
Floss?
Yes No
Use pot?
Yes No
Cocaine?
Yes No
Condoms?
Yes No
Ecstasy?
Yes No
Heroin?
Yes No
Ketamine?
Yes No
Methamphetamine?
Yes No
PCP?
Yes No
Other illegal, mind altering substances?
Yes No
Do you take vitamins?
Yes No
Steroids?
Yes No
Perscription drugs?
Yes No
Without a perscription?
Yes No
If Yes, Please explain:
Please list all substances currently in your bloodstream:
PART 5: FAMILY
Have you ever been married?
Yes No
If yes, Have you since been divorced?
Yes No
If no, Please explain:

Number of children you have fathered:

If more than 1, do they have the same mother?
Yes No
If no, please explain:

How often do you call your mother?

If more than once daily, please explain:

PART 6: STUFF
Do you currently have... a valid driver’s license?
Yes No
a registered and insured vehicle with 4 wheels?
Yes No
a cat?
Yes No
a porcelain tea set?
Yes No
a pair of trousers that hang below your crotch?
Yes No
a spouse?
Yes No
a spatula?
Yes No
a unicycle?
Yes No
a bible?
Yes No
a bank account with a positive balance?
Yes No
a belt?
Yes No
a hangover?
Yes No
a girlfriend?
Yes No
a pink shirt?
Yes No
non-eatable items in your refrigerator?
Yes No
a Miley Cyrus CD?
Yes No
a blow-up doll?
Yes No
a gym membership?
Yes No
a foreskin?
Yes No
a computer running windows vista?
Yes No
clothing with rhinestones?
Yes No
a sexually transmitted disease?
Yes No
an iPhone?
Yes No
an accent?
Yes No
an ex-fiancee?
Yes No
PART 7: LIFE
Most important thing in my life is....

The first part of the newspaper I read is...

Website I visit the most it....

I hope you don't ask me about....

PART 8: FANTASY
Please answer the following questions honestly.
How often do you fantasize about the following?
Sex with 2 people or more:

Rape:

S&M:

Transvestites:

Other men:

Cross Dressing

Roleplay

Urine/Feces/Enemas/Diapers or anything related

Children

Animals

Do any of the following turn you on?
feet?

biceps?

breasts?

ass?

abs?

legs?

PART 9: COMFORTABLE
Would any of the following situations make you uncomfortable?
Dating someone who you don’t get to see all the time.

Dating someone who does not share your religious or political beliefs.

Dating someone of a different socio-economic background.

Dating someone who has/had an alcohol/substance abuse problem.

Dating someone who has been incarcerated.

Dating someone who has/had a mental illness/disorder.

Dating someone who is missing a limb.

Dating someone your friends can not stand.

Dating someone whose friends you can not stand.

Dating someone who has red hair.

PART 10: VIEWS
Briefly summarize your position/views on...
Marriage:

Religion:

Politics:

Eating disorders:

Drug use:

Affirmative action:

Jonathan Peters:

Genetically engineered produce:

Strippers:

Democrats:

Animals:

Plastic surgery:

Babies:

Existence of life elsewhere in the universe:

Female bodybuilding:

Celebrity Gossip Magazines:

Tequila:

Gravity:

Golf:

Valentine’s Day:

Harry Potter:

Gay Marriage:

Republicans:

The Economy:

Yourself in 5 years:

Is there anything else you feel necessary to mention?

When would be the best time to interview your landlord, job supervisor and parent(s)?

Please submit with a headshot, and body shot from front, side and rear taken in a well-lit room, a copy of your credit report, DMV transcript, diploma, any criminal record you may have, as well as a copy of your most recent blood work and short recommendation letters from at least 2 people who have known you for 5+ years. Your application will be given consideration pending a full physical and psychiatric evaluation.

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